Lost and Found: Spark's Holocron

[Spark Vallen]

0300 hours
Ravelin, Bastion
Army Barracks

My life used to make sense. I'd journeyed from Bakura to Bastion with the goal of signing on to the Imperial Army. Age was mildly working against me, but I had technical and professional expertise that caught the Empire's eye. I was accepted and have successfully worked as a cadet.

I worked hard. I networked. I stretched beyond my usual boundaries to play spy for a mission. I've been through training to become a Stormtrooper. My life has been exactly what I set out for it to be.

And then, I was assigned a strange trip back to my homeworld. That's when everything began to fall apart. You know the feeling when you're in a sim that's poorly done, where the opponents and environment look false? That is how Bakura seemed to me as Tuk Arghann and I worked through and successfully completed our mission there. It felt as though all of my memories were false and misconstrued. To that end, a jaunt back to my neighborhood suggested that it had never been my neighborhood at all.

What the frell?

My life has been based on goal-setting and structure. Order. Following the chain of command.

Or has it?

If not for Tuk's gentle suggestion that perhaps this is some sort of PTSD, I'd think I had lost my mind. But, I am reluctant to bring this forward to the medics in case there is something wrong with me.

At the Ravelin Ball, I saw a woman I'd swear that I'd known. The craziest part is that I felt like I'd known her intimately. But that makes absolutely no sense, so where is that coming from? Maybe I am crazy and this is another symptom of that madness.

Am I a danger to myself? To my squadron? To Tuk?

Even stranger is that I'd told Tuk to call me Spark. My name is Lisbeth. It's always been Lisbeth. Where did "Spark" come from and what does that mean?

Signing off,
Cadet Lisbeth Vallen

[Spark Vallen]

1700 hours
Ravelin, Bastion
Army Barracks

I've survived my first promotion ceremony. I am now addressed and coded as Lieutenant Vallen. That has a nice ring to it.

I'm seeing Tuk tonight to celebrate. I find myself thankful that he could keep up with my volatility on Bastion, and that he wanted to see me again afterward.

I do not plan on bringing up what my research found about this missing Jedi, Spark Vallen. Not tonight. But, I will talk with him about this... and the strange feeling that leads me to think I could be her. Or she could be me.

As if I needed my life to be any more strange.

Signing off,
Lt. "Spark?" Vallen

[Spark Vallen]

0105 hours
Undisclosed location

I am currently on escort duty for a diplomat. The less I say about that experience, the better.

It's been a few weeks since I've updated, due to my schedule and the desire to spend as much time as possible with Tuk while he was also on-planet. Now, out here where I am, I have the time and desire to log my experiences and thoughts.

The Spark Vallen, Jedi Master, I read of on the 'net? She's... me. A floodgate seemed to burst in my mind, unleashing a torrent of memories. That is why the memories of Bakura felt false and concerning. They were created for me.

I am Spark Vallen of Corellia. My parents were Ronto and Annalia. I had a brother named Marck. I grew up on a farm and spend much of my childhood separated from family because of my innate talent with the Force.

I went to university with Maize! I remember him, and his family now! (His kids are Imperials! So am I! Oh gods!)

I remember training to be a Jedi. On Naboo. On Zhar. I remember my life, my students, my friends... all of them associated with the Jedi. I remember having been a Jedi! My successes, and my very distinct failures on that path are potent and loom large in my memory again. I had tread the path and fled it.

I had loved, and lost that love. Kahne. Sinead.

Sinead.

How I hurt her. How I didn't even understand who I was when I was with her. I owe that girl so much for helping me be a better person. But, how do I tell her that? Would she even hear me now, after all this time that I'd been "off the grid" as it were?

There's so much more to write of too. But, there's only so much time before I am back on active escort duty.

Until later,
Lt. Spark Vallen

[Spark Vallen]

1150 hours
Ravelin Barracks

I need to trim back on evening stimcaf consumption; it's making it hard to sleep at night.

I met with Aurelia and Keir today. It was the first time I'd seen them in years. The babies are all grown up into incredible young adults, and while their paths have also gone in directions I couldn't have imagined, I am so proud of them.

It was quite a shock for them to realize I was here too! We spoke a good deal about my path, my past, and how I'd lost and found who I am. I feel even better about my path, knowing that I have family here within the Empire. They shared about the strained relationship with their parents, so I think that, in a way, they're happy to have me as family again too.

I do need to reach out to Satkia and Maize - who ever saw that coming?! - to at least let them know I am well and safe. I'm unsure if we'll be friends still, given what I am choosing to do with my life, but I want to make that effort. It's the right thing to do.

There's more to say. There's always more to say. But, there isn't the time for now.

-Spark

[Spark Vallen]

0300 hours
Ravelin Barracks

When I think about it, all I can do is laugh. It only makes sense. For the first time in my life - in both of my lives, frankly - I finally make sense. Finally!

I was born into the wrong body.

And I'm going to change that.

I can't believe I am writing those words out, but I also can hardly believe I didn't understand this sooner!

I spoke with Ashar's cousin, Teta, at length about her experiences. Then, I went and spoke to Keir. Together, we talked to my CO about what this will entail. I'm finally going to be the person I've always been inside, the man who's been trapped and confused.

I'm in shock, but I'm also so very elated to finally understand.

When Tuk gets back, we need to have a serious talk because I haven't been able to tell him yet about any of this. I don't have any way of guessing how he'll react. Teta said to hope for the best but expect the worst. That's not my style. So, I am just trying to be mentally prepared, come what may.

I'm going to finally live up to I have always have been.

-Lt. Spark Vallen