Looking Back (Open)

[Forse Dirum]

2300 Hours
TSGE Officer's Barracks
Forse's Room

It was late. But it was not unusual to see the lieutenant up at that hour. His quarters were darkened, most of the walls blank of decoration. It was a room he used for sleeping, and nothing else, but it was becoming harder for him to sleep lately. He would close his eye, and he'd hear the chanting again.

"Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!"

Forse's eye snapped open. Over his body was a cold sweat. He knew exactly what he was hearing, but he didn't know what to do to make it stop. Forse was shivering as the chants began to fade. Forse got out of bed and made himself a cup of caf. He had to rest. He couldn't keep going on no sleep like he had been doing for some time. The caf and the energy injections were enough to keep him going, but he was beginning to feel the wear and tear on his body.

Forse finished his caf, and made his way back to his bed...

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

Forse shouted as he was jerked back awake. He practically leaped out of bed as the unbidden memory flooded back to him. Ragged breaths came through gritted teeth. Forse made his way to the pull up bar that was mounted to the side of the wall, pulled himself up to it, and wrapped his legs around the bar. Forse began doing crunches from the pull-up bar until his abdominal muscles felt torn to bits. He could barely stand up straight due to the strain. Forse took some bacta-gel and vigorously rubbed it into his abs. The medicine did nothing for the pain.

Forse made his way to the counter, where he made himself a shot of a strong alcohol he had imported from Munto Codru. He had heard stories of the fabled JD, but he didn't know how strong it was.

Pretty strong.

Forse downed the shot, relishing in the burn down his throat. More unbidden memories sprang to the fore. A comrade of his had a drinking problem. That was all Forse could think about whenever he tasted alcohol. But he just wanted to sleep. He just wanted some respite from his past. He pushed Alec from his mind. Forse had sufficiently exhausted himself. His eyes felt heavy as he fell to sleep...

"HAIL! HAIL! HAIL! HAIL! HAIL! HAIL! HAIL! HAIL CAE-"

Forse screamed as his eyes snapped open. Forse was hysterical. He grabbed his slugthrower from the bed side table, and placed it to his temple. A long moment passed as Forse held the gun there. He had finally snapped. He had seen soldiers his whole life succumb to the pressures of combat, but all that experience wasn't enough to prevent Forse from succumbing to the loss he felt in his heart. He had always pushed those feelings back, not wanting anyone to see his weakness, lest they think he was unable to lead.

Forse threw the weapon across the room. As it hit the wall, it fired, sending a slug through the bottle of JD. The sound would no doubt be picked up by sensors around the building. Forse wasn't thinking clearly.

Desertion is still a crime, no matter how you look at it. I thought that especially a soldier like you would be aware of that.

"I was trying to help everyone. I promise." Forse mutttered pitifully to the voice in his head.

Forse crawled to the center of the floor, dressed only in sweat pants. His body criss crossed with horrific scars and plasma burn scars. Forse dragged himself to a coffee table, and placed the only personal item he always kept with him.

The majority of the evidence of the Remnant that Forse had served was removed from Imperial records. But Forse had saved one recording of a rather bloodless planetary takeover. He hadn't watched it in a long time, but he decided now would be as good a time as any, given his mental state.

Even though they were gone, Forse felt their loss in his heart. He did not wish for the return of the Empire they represented. What Emperor Rayner did for the Empire was of a much greater value to the Imperial ideal.

But he missed them, nontheless. Forse hit play on the datapad, and the scene was shown to him again.

[Syrenia Renkl]

Syrenia had just returned from her assignment aboard the Renkl. She had landed so late that she had decided to just bunk on base until morning. She was so glad to be home. The life of a soldier was what she had hoped for, regardless of the price she had already paid for it. She just felt relieved to have returned to the place she considered her home world, despite having been born - at least the first time around - on Bakura.

She was awaken at once when she heard screaming. The voice sounded like one she had heard before, but she wasn't sure. Without hesitation, the Cadet grabbed for her weapon and stormed off to the origin of the yelling, her cybernetic ear coming in handy for better localization.

On the way, she heard a shot and broken glass. When she arrived at the door, which she found open, she recognized the man who looked lost to say the least. She could also smell the alcohol.

Placing the weapon on a shelf, she slowly came close to the man, on her guard as he didn't look like himself. "Forse?" She said in a calm voice, not making a sharp or quick move as she came closer.

[Forse Dirum]

Forse didn't fully register Syrenia entering his room as he had his attention on the datapad in front of him as he watched his former comrades broker a deal for the short lived takeover of Mustafar. Their voices haunted him now as they did in his dreams and in his memories. Forse knew that the voices weren't real and were a result of the trauma he'd kept inside, but he was not in his right mind as of right now. He was exhausted, and his tired state made the voices and the feelings stronger than the ordinarily would be.

Forse heard his name called. He suddenly felt exposed. But he lacked the will to do anything about it. Here, at his most vulnerable, he had been discovered by the Empress' daughter. If Forse had been in a better mood, he could've laughed.

Forse turned to look at her. Her presence wasn't unwanted. For some reason, he yearned for the presence of another more than any time in recent memory. Forse's one crystal blue eye looked in to her eyes. The datapad continued to display it's contents onto the coffee table.

"Hey, kid." Forse says, his voice more husky and gravelly than normal. "I didn't mean to disturb anyone."

Forse looks to the counter top and sees the alcohol dripping down the side of the counter. The smell was loud enough to be noticeable.

"This...this looks real bad, doesn't it?" Forse asks, pitifully.

Forse runs a hand through his hair. He was at a loss for words. What did you say when someone catches you in a weak moment?

[Syrenia Renkl]

Syrenia's eyes had briefly wandered to the record playing on the datapad screen, but she had kept her attention to Forse. She was younger but she knew not to be nosy. And frankly, she was more concerned for her fellow soldier than whatever he was watching.

She crouched by his side, her movements still slow. She waited for him to acknowledge her presence. She smirked when called "kid". Maybe the Empress's daughter could have taken offense, but it wasn't the case. By being called this, she knew that she could be her own person as well, a Cadet in the barracks, and not just an heiress.

"Was worried something had happened. So I came to check." She looked at the alcohol dripping. "Well, it smelled like some strong but good stuff. Shame it got wasted like this." She replied a bit wryly.

"Come on, soldier. Let's clean this mess up." It was her way of offering to stick around, without forcing him to talk if he didn't wish to.

[Forse Dirum]

"No, that's..." Forse began as he scanned his room. He normally kept the room pretty tidy. The broken glass could be a future hazard, though.

"Thanks." He said finally.

Forse dragged himself on to a sofa and managed to sit there without vomiting, which he felt rumbling around in his stomach. He had a guest now, so he had to keep it together as best as he could.

"These are the guys I vaguely mentioned when we were up on the wall. They were the only family I had after Alderaan." Forse said as he made his way to a nearby closet.

Forse paused.

"I can still hear them without the datapad, you know And i can hear the chants from the crowd when Adrian would finish his speeches. They say you get over that sort of thing after a while."

He paused.

"Well, I didn't."

[Syrenia Renkl]

"You're welcome." Syrenia hadn't abused of alcohol in the past, but she had got pretty sick a few times and recognized the imminent nausea that seemed to take over the Lieutenant. Without a word, she went to fetch things to clean and she even took a moment to hand an empty bucket to Forse, just in case. She wasn't easily queasy after all.

She began to clean up the floor while listening to her fellow soldier. "We can't keep everything inside, not always." She uttered quietly, her gaze vague for a moment. "I've never been in your position, not yet..." She knew that loss was an inherent part of duty.

"There are people I lost, but not like this. But I know what it is to keep a trauma inside." She had died and been brought back and she still didn't know why. She had survived the explosion and she didn't know why.

"I don't think you can ever get over this kind of things, not completely. We'd be bloody droids if it was truly possible."

[Forse Dirum]

Forse listened to her words, leaning up against the couch's back.

"You've been through a lot more than me in your short time in the galaxy, Syrenia. To have held up as good as you have, and to be as good of a soldier as you are is incredible. Lesser men have broken under the strain of things much less difficult than what you've undergone." Forse says, ever the patriarchal figure for his fellow soldiers.

"Wiser words were never spoken." Forse says, offering a small smirk.

Forse stands up, his nausea fading.

"Part of me is worried that if I ever do get over this, I'll lose my edge. To feel the weight of loss behind you, pushing you forward. It's a powerful thing to draw upon." Forse offers, making his way over to Syrenia in order to assist her, sweeping up the broken glass and putting it in the bucket she had offered him.

"How do you deal with it? I lock it away in the recesses of my mind, but it always manifests itself somehow." He asks her. He was speaking to her as a fellow person.

[Syrenia Renkl]

Syrenia shrugged a little to Forse's words. She didn't think she had done anything special. She just had carried on the best she could. "If I hadn't had people to be here for me, I don't think that I'd be standing here." She was aware of this and was grateful to her family and loved ones, even when she had been a bloody handful to put up with.

She nodded to what her fellow soldier said about how the loss was a powerful thing to draw upon. "Agreed. It pushes us to give our everything, both to honor the ones who are gone and to protect the ones still here."

When he asked her how she dealt with it, she continued cleaning for a moment before answering. "We're both tough and protective in my family." Her mother and grandmother were amazing women she drew much inspiration from. "I've had a hard time letting people in since I came back. It took a very special friend to break through my walls and even trudge into my hospital room and stay with me after the attack, for me to recover, especially mentally."

[Forse Dirum]

"It's good to have family." Forse says, nodding. "My family was killed on Alderaan, along with someone who was very precious to me. Not that you would, but never forget how important they are."

Forse pauses for a moment. Bringing her up always caused him pause.

"I've always wondered....wondered why I'm here when so many people I care about have died. I took a gaffi to the face, multiple blaster wounds, knife wounds, a dragon ate me..." Forse says, a small chuckle escaping him. "I just wonder, am I the luckiest person in the galaxy for having lived this long in my profession? It seems I'll be cruising my way to a comfy retirement..." Forse says, bitterly. Death by Old Age wasn't something he saw as a goal. Better to die before you're useless.

"Although, I didn't live through the destruction of a Star Destroyer, either." He says, hitting her on the shoulder. "You Renkls must have bones of durasteel."

[Syrenia Renkl]

"I have more family than I could hope for now and I am immensely thankful for it. I'm far from easy to deal with, but it runs in the family. Yet, we're still each for one another." She nodded to his words about not forgetting how important they were.

"I know I was lucky to be born in the family I have, and that's why I enlisted. The Empire can't be where it is without people serving it. And I wanted to find my own way." She knew she could have had it easier but she hadn't wanted that. "Death can happen when you least expect it, so I could as well be useful."

She laughed when he hit her on the shoulder. "Well, now I can say that!" She laughed, knowing that one leg, one arm, as well as an eye and an ear had been replaced by cybernetics. "And I still want to hear that story of the Krayt dragon eating you."

She clasped his arm as she looked at him. "Maybe you and I are too strong headed for death to take us. That's why it keeps spitting us back to the world of the living."

[Forse Dirum]

Forse nodded as she spoke. She was a good soldier, and Forse was proud to have someone like her at his back. Forse felt that a part of the reason he was in such bad shape mentally was that he hadn't been on a real battlefield in some time. He had all of the skills in the world, but with no medium to act upon them, a soldier could quickly begin to unravel.

"The dragon story isn't as great as it may sound. I was on a routine patrol in Tatooine. Rebel encampments tend to pop up on that planet, and so I took a squad of men and headed to the planet. Then I was eaten. I captured the whole thing on my helmet cam. I'm sure if you dig around in the archives, you'll find it." Forse said.

He listened to what she said about being too strong willed for death, and smiled.

"Does that make us demons?" Forse says, grinning.

[Syrenia Renkl]

As they talked, it didn't take long for the two soldiers to be done with the bit of cleaning. Syrenia grinned wryly to Forse's retelling of the story. "Do you really think that how I lost half my limbs makes such a good story? I still don't know why I was among the survivors, save for what I just said about death not wanting me in."

She took a mental note to check the archives to find the recording, out of curiosity. To her fellow soldier's question, she had a slightly devious look. "I bet that we are to all enemies we take down."

[Forse Dirum]

Forse smiled.

"Truer words were never spoken. Let's hope there'll be more opportunity for that in the future. The rebels have been spreading their lies long enough, I'd say." Forse continues.

Forse gets up and sits on the couch after they had finished. The datapad on the coffee table was still playing in a loop.

"Thanks for coming to check on me, Syrenia. Not many people would do that." Forse says, shaking his head.

[Syrenia Renkl]

"I've just returned from an off world assignment so I'll probably be on Bastion for a while, but I bet we'll get opportunities to go rebel shooting together at some point." Syrenia replied with a grin. She caught sight of the datapad still playing in a loop, but she refrained from saying a thing about it. She had come to help, not to tell Forse what to do.

"You're welcome, Forse." She hadn't hesitated when she had heard the scream. She briefly clasped her comrade's shoulder. "Get some rest if you can. I'll see you soon."

[Forse Dirum]

Forse nodded and grasped her hand as she put it on his shoulder. He squeezed it a little.

"I know I've told you this before. But if you need me for anything, you come find me." Forse says, the words sounding more like an order than a statement.

Forse leaned over, looking at the datapad. These were the men who trained him. Who made him into what he was today. But he knew that obsessing over the the past like he was doing would drive him crazy.

Forse pressed a button on the datapad, erasing it's contents. Forse moved it aside.

"I'll see if I can't catch a few hours before morning duty." Forse said, waving at her as she made her way out.