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Old Wounds (Keeva)

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  • Old Wounds (Keeva)

    Judah sat alone in one of the sparring rooms in the training dojo. He had reserved it upon his return to Yavin VIII to inform the council of what he saw on Korriban. As usual there were some things he left out of the report which did not pertain to their concerns. He had observed, more than originally intended to, and told them of his findings. The conversation with Sianna, that would be something he would discuss with Satkia and Katara only.

    The Jedi no longer found meditation to help clear his mind. There was so much which ran through it anymore. His family had finally become that, though his daughter was nearing two. Katara had not wanted to marry, yet, though she had told him she intended to someday. At least that was how Judah interpreted her answer to his sudden question. He was also aware, recently aware, that the family was growing.

    The Guardian was content to be alone with his thoughts, despite the hurt some of them brought. His memories, the things he had done, served to keep him humble. There was something about one's personal darkness that served as reminder of what one was capable of. Judah knew what he was capable of doing, and he never wanted to see it happen ever again.

    ~Judah's Wiki~

  • #2
    “Oh... I didn’t realize anyone was in here.” Keeva said suddenly entering the Dojo. She stopped dead in her tracks when her eyes spotted Judah on the floor. She didn’t know if he was meditating or waiting for someone. Either case, the Dojo was occupied so she would have to take her training elsewhere.

    “I’ll leave you alone.” She added, turning her back on the man she had once loved, had once open herself up to. Surprisingly, Keeva still felt her heart beat harder when she saw him, she had hoped, after all that had happened she could keep the numbness she had grown accustom to. She didn’t want to face Judah, didn’t want these feelings, whatever they were to come back. He had a daughter, and someone else he loved.

    Keeva on the other hand, didn’t know how to express herself in that way. That was why she had chosen the path of the old order Jedi, the Guardians. She knew her talents, and what she was good ad. Being on the front line and fighting for peace. Relationships just messed things up, and she couldn’t be in that frame of mind if she wanted to keep on that path she has chosen.


    • #3
      "You don't have to leave," Judah said.

      The newest guardian did not need to turn to see who had entered. The aura was very familiar to him. Keeva had been very close to him, another woman Judah had asked to marry him at one time. That was when the darkness was still in control, and had served as a catalyst for full control to be granted. There were other memories though. Happy ones, which Judah would not trade for anything. He had hurt her more than anyone else with what had happened a year ago now.

      "Meditation doesn't help me anymore, so you haven't interrupted anything."

      Judah stood and turned around. He knew Keeva well enough that by simply talking to her she would stop in her tracks. Though if she were determined to leave it would not take her long to do so. She was a free spirit, and did as she wished.

      "Do we really need to keep avoiding each other, Keeva?"

      Judah looked into he blue eyes, looking for something, anything which would tell him they could finally move on from the pain he caused.

      "I'm sorry, Keeva."

      ~Judah's Wiki~


      • #4
        Keeva stopped when Judah’s voice reached her ears. She hesitated, and kept her back towards him until she heard him say ‘sorry’. It was at that moment she turned to face the Guardian. Her face was stern, hard looking, like usual, her eyes though... they were filled with pain but Keeva had enough control to not let the tears come forward.

        She wanted to say yes, to the avoiding each other. It was easier that way, easier for her. But she knew it was selfish. Judah was another Jedi member, who knows when the next time they’d be put on a mission together. It would be best to get everything out in the open now to prevent any awkwardness in the future.

        “You should talk to someone about the meditation problem. It’s not healthy for a Jedi to be unable to meditation.” Keeva replied instead, keeping her distance and trying to avoid direct eye contact. Of course, she should be one to talk, meditation was never her strong point and since the issues with Judah, herself, and her family, things have been even rougher. Yet, she still tried and at times managed to find some inner peace to keep her going until the next session.

        “Avoidance is easier to deal with. I’m not sure if i’m ready to face you yet Judah. You hurt me a lot. Deeply. It’s not something that two words can fix upon hearing them. This pain will take a long time to heal.”


        • #5
          "You didn't let me apologize the last time we met," Judah responded initially. "I'm sorry, that's not fair."

          How was Judah supposed to do this? The two knew each other well, on an intimate level. Perhaps Keeva was right about it being easier to avoid each other, but it wasn't right. They had been friends before they were lovers, and maybe it was too much to hope they could be friends again, but Judah hoped regardless. Whether Keeva wanted to admit it or not, Judah knew that while he was the source of deep pain for her, he had also been the source of many happy moments for her as well.

          Judah wanted to move to her and close the distance between them to keep her from simply leaving. That wouldn't be right either. It was ironic the conversation was happening in a training dojo considering this was where the darkness had fully taken control. It was the best place to make amends.

          "If we can be honest, we both hurt each other, Keeva. Either way, it doesn't matter now. It's in the past and it needs to stay there, but once we have actually dealt with it. We haven't just been avoiding each other, we've been avoiding the truth and the hard conversation we really need to have. I get that things might be different now had I been honest about the mask shard from the beginning. Mistakes were made, big ones, and I have to own them, live with them for the rest of my life. There are feelings which can't be unfelt, and memories which cannot be forgotten."

          Judah stopped talking. It wasn't going to help, and he knew it. Keeva had never liked it when he rambled anyway. Instead Judah called a saber to his hand.

          "Spar with me."

          ~Judah's Wiki~


          • #6
            Keeva kept her mouth shut, but there was a bitter anger inside of her. Hearing Judah blame her for part of the trouble... it sounded like he wasn’t really sorry at all, that he just wanted to split the blame to make him feel less guilty. Sure she knew she wasn’t the greatest at relationships, and she told that to Judah when they first began to meet up. She had trauma, tensions, stress, and then he just up and left, had affairs... had a child.

            He just didn’t get it at all. Keeva just folded her arms in front of her chest. Mistakes were made, but she couldn’t face Judah until he could face the fact that it was his cheating that hurt her so much. She had wanted to slow things down, confused at the new feelings she was experience... but never in that time did she cheat on him! It still pained her when she thought about it. It was because of this bad relationship she had chosen the path of celibacy.

            Keeva was about to turn her back once more on Judah and his ramblings when he suddenly suggested they spar. The blonde Guardian began to laugh.

            “A spar, seriously?” She raised an eyebrow. It wouldn’t be wise for Keeva to fight in this sort of emotional state. It could prove dangerous... she and Satkia had worked hard together to maintain her emotions and the anger from the death of her family. Sparing with Judah... it could unleash things inside.

            “I don’t think it’s a good idea... I could get carried away.”


            • #7
              Keeva would never understand how much her rejection of the feeling he had expressed to her concnerning marriage had hurt him. He had tried explaining, but she would never listen. She refused to listen, to hear the truth. It was as if what he had done under the influence of the darkness was his fault. The only thing he was truly guilty of was not telling anyone of the darkness which was hiding within him. She wouldn't listen until she dealt with what she was feeling. That's why Judah insisted on the spar.

              "That has never stopped you from sparring with me before. I understand that you are angry with me because of what I did, but until you calm yourself down enough to talk, we can't even salvage the friendship we once had."

              With the internal darkness Judah had faced, and with what his trial showed him, Keeva could get through whatever it was that bothered her.

              "You've been pushing me away since I did the right thing and confessed about what I had done. If you won't talk to me then fight me. Fight until you don't have it in you to fight anymore. I can take it. With everything the force has put me through the last eighteen months, I can take it. But you need to release what you're holding onto."

              Judah ignited his lightsaber.

              "Fight me."

              ~Judah's Wiki~


              • #8
                Keeva’s eyes narrowed on Judah. Calm myself down? Is that what he really said? It was like he hitting all the red buttons, everything that would provoke her and anger her. She knew this was a mistake, fighting under these sort of conditions would not be good, for either of them. She had done her best to control herself lately, what if this undid everything she worked hard to achieve?

                What would happen if she ever met Rakai again, face to face? Keeva knew that this was just another step in her recovery. If she could get through this, then perhaps she’ll be able to control herself when Rakai comes calling again.

                “Fine... you want a fight... i’ll give you a fight.” Keeva said, igniting her purple blade and entering the opening stance of Makashi. Her blade was pointing downward in her right hand towards Judah, her body tense and ready to go.

                “How can I push you away, when you were already in the arms of another.” Keeva said, her words low, and full of pain. She was talking about Desiree, then, when she began to understand the other woman, and ready to forgive him, he suddenly had a baby by his side. Another lover.


                • #9
                  "You didn't want to listen, Keeva, you just ran off, and you've avoided me since, granted I've been hiding on Corellia..."

                  Judah took the open stance of form six. It was his preference, though he had been studying all forms as Satkia had told him. The guardian's goal was to master the highest of all forms, Satkia had discussed this with him, but until Judah could prove his balance once more, the form would always be just out of reach. If his darkness went unchecked, the final form would only serve to take him further than where he had gone before. Sianna may actually get what she truly wanted from Judah, or even worse, Razielle. Judah knew what was at stake with the direction he was taking, but he also knew Keeva well. They had been lovers after all.

                  The move was Keeva's to make. He was not going to attack her. There was more at work than what had happned between them, and he was beginning to sense that. He knew the woman needed to just get it off her chest. She tended to bottle things in until it was too much to hold on to before releasing it. Judah was not any different than the man she had fallen in love with. The only change was the fact Judah chose someone else, and Judah chose to be a father to the children which were a result of that union.

                  ...but we are better people than what our behavior suggests."

                  ~Judah's Wiki~


                  • #10
                    “Well... it wasn’t like you came after me.” Keeva said, pointing out the facts. After the incident, Satkia had taken over, giving Judah a safe haven, away from the rest of the Jedi to deal with his remainder of the taint. There were rules as well... he had not been allowed that many visitors, and Keeva had a responsibility to the Jedi to report back the incident and details to the rest of the Council. Then there was Desiree...

                    Keeva took a step forward, her blade making a small quick snip of a strike towards Judah’s right shoulderblade.

                    “Life kept going afterwards...” Keeva added. “I was told to report to the Council, I choose to look after the Padawan you had left behind. I picked up your pieces at the Temple.”


                    • #11
                      Judah blocked the strike, so far the battle seemed more a formality, the only way Judah could keep Keeva around to talk.

                      "I know, you were told to report to the council while I was in the coma. When I came out of it, so was I. That's when I was told I would be remaining under Satkia's care on Corellia until I was ready to face my promotion trial."

                      Judah redirected Keeva's blade by pushing it upward before stepping in and attempting to throw her over his shoulder and onto the ground.

                      "I'm talking about the day I told you of the daughter I had only learned about a few weeks prior. You didn't let me explain anything."

                      ~Judah's Wiki~


                      • #12
                        Keeva had to keep a tight lid on her emotions. Why did she feel that Judah was provoking her like this? She didn’t want to talk about his daughter... about this other woman whom he obviously preferred over her. Then again, why not? She wasn’t girlfriend material... Keeva knew that from an early age. She was the warrior, the soldier, not the damsel, or lady in waiting.

                        She was now a Jedi. But that didn’t change anything. Perhaps she had just been fooling herself that entire time the two of them were together. Perhaps she was just a tease?

                        Her strike was deflected. It wasn’t a meaningful blow to begin with. Judah stepped up and attempted to throw her over his shoulder. Keeva jumped, and summersaulted over Judah instead. Landing behind him, she knelt to the floor and and swept her left leg out and over in a circle to trip Judah to the floor.

                        “I think that explained enough.” Keeva said, her voice cold, but she wasn’t going to loose it. Getting back to her feet, Keeva jumped back a couple of feet to keep her distance from Judah, her lightsaber pointed back in the Makashi stance.

                        “You can explain now, if you like.”


                        • #13
                          Of course Keeva sommersaulted over his back, and Judah in like kind leaped over her leg sweep. It had always been this way when the two fought each other for spar. One countered the other, pne never truly finding the upperhand. When Keeva backed out of the way, Judah brought his blade down, she likely knew it had been coming anyway. With a flourish Judah stepped back two steps of his own and returned to the low guard stance of Niman.

                          "You assumed it explained enough, but maybe we could have avoided alomst two years of no communication whatsoever had you just listened."

                          Judah was breathing a bit hard, not becuase he was winded or tired, but because this was hard for him. It was hard to remember that day, what he had done. He didn't want to, but he had to.

                          "I am not trying to pass of what I did to you onto the influence I was under, but to be honest a lot of what happened did happen when I was. I literally was trapped, locked away in my own mind. I learned after my coma that I flattened you that day we had that first fight. I did other things I'm not proud of. The only time I can even remember having any kind of freedom it was centered around Katara. We had met before on a mission I was sent to help with, before you and I were... well... anyway. At some spoint in all of this I connected with her before connecting with Desiree on Courscant. Most of my lucid moments were after everything happened."

                          Judah paused.

                          "The next thing I know, I 'm in a hospital bed under some alias on Corellia, and Katara was the one at my bedside. She had been there everyday for seven months caring for me, hoping I would wake up, and when I did, she was there. The next morning she introduced me to our daughter, a daughter that should have never been born because it was impossible for Katara to have children. All we have come to at this point is that while I was under the influence of the Sith I must have done something to correct whatever was wrong. I had a choice in that moment Keeva. I had to choose to own everything that happened, whether I remembered it or not, or to run from it all. I chose to accept it all, to own what happened. I couldn't turn my back on them. The minute I saw that baby, Sasha, I was in love with her. In everything that happened, she was the only innocent party, and I couldn't ruin her innocence."

                          Judah sighed.

                          "Katara was ready to tell me she could raise the child on her own, but we decided that it would be best to see if we could figure out how to have both parents in Sasha's life. The day I told you about Sasha I had no clue whether I was going to be raising that child with Katara as a friend or as a lover. THAT is the truth."

                          Judah stopped. He had said a lot, and he needed to let Keeva process it all. Though Judah no longer felt like fighting. He disengaged his blade and put the saber back on his belt.

                          ~Judah's Wiki~


                          • #14
                            ‘I’m sorry.. but..’ Why did an apology or excuse have to be followed by a ‘but’? It didn’t make anything Judah said after that any better to hear. Judah still had free will, choices, even though the taint was on him. He just kept making the ones that pushed the two of them apart.

                            Keeva watched with a suspicious look as Judah disengaged his lightsaber. Automatically, Keeva’s mind went into strategy mode. Was this an act of trickory, or humility? Part of Keeva would have preferred Judah to say this while on his knees... but that may be the nobel pride in her.

                            “So, because I left after hearing about your child... you took up your old lover once more.” It was a statement, not a question. “I had thought... we had something special. I may be tough, cross, and short sighted... but there were times - rare as they were - that I picture my white knight returning for me.” Keeva shrugged and disengaged her lightsaber.

                            “Foolish fairytale thinking. You made your choices as I’ve made mine. I was unable to give you children, I was also unable to give you my full heart. My duty had always been to my family and the Jedi... now that one is gone... I only have room for the Jedi. You have your family Judah, do not lose them.” It was a painful message, one said through the heart of someone who had lost all the love in her life. It wasn’t just Judah, but her family, her brothers, parents, they were no longer around to give her support, to bug her or annoy her.

                            “I’ve learned that love is dangerous as a Jedi. I will not fall into that snare again.” She added, sounding more confident than she really felt.


                            • #15
                              "I never had your whole heart," Judah said stunned, yet somehow he knew.

                              He was about to say something when Keeva said she lost her family. That was hard to swallow. He liked her family. At one point he had wanted to be part of it. Her brother's wedding had been where Judah asked her to marry him, where she said no. They had fought, it had been the beginning of the end of their relationship.


                              Judah just had a bad feeling.

                              "Keeva I am sorry," he said with tears. It was the first real emotion he had let her see since their break up. "Look I know we haven't been on the best terms, but we did have something special. I'm sorry your white knight never came back for you the way you wanted him to. We did both make choices, but we still have other choices we can make."

                              Judah took a step closer.

                              "We can choose forgive each other. We can choose to be friends. I can share my family with yours. I don't know what the future holds, but let's make it better than what the past two years have been."

                              Judah looked Keeva in the eye.

                              "I cannot bear to think that if what he had was special that this is how things between us have to be. Just because they cannot be what they were does not mean we can't be friends does it?

                              ~Judah's Wiki~